Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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