i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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