He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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