Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
