I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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