god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize