My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
