Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
