if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
The feeling are messing with the penis
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
