Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
