His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
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