ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Randomize
