On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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