Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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