stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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