I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
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