ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize