How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
