I molested 6 butterflies tonight
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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