You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
He? As in you personified your dick?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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