margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
