I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
