This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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