oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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