I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
My balls are so social today.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
