so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
