My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
a search helicopter?!
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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