just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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