Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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