i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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