i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
