my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
