My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
