I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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