Your face is a jimmy john
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
