Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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