Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
