Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize