I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
