I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
