it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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