Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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