i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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