what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
