remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
