Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
