Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
