You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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