I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
