He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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