mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I looked at my own cervix.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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