hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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