We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
