omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
