somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Randomize
