I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Randomize
