My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
